Mythical Creature Showdown

For unknown reasons, I've been pondering a lot on what would be the best and worst mythical creature to be killed by. Obviously, it doesn't matter because they are mythical and I'm fairly certain that makes it difficult to be killed by said creatures. However, theirs got to be some sort of hierarchy of fake animals and animal combinations and such.

I think the obvious choice for the lamest mythical creature to be killed by would be the Unicorn. It symbolizes everything weak in our culture and society. It would be the equivalent of having a 3 week old Persian kitten eat your spleen out. I will say that the horn that the Unicorn wields is clearly dangerous and people do get trampled by horses, so from a purely "functional weapon" type argument, it's not that bad. But it's a freaking Unicorn, so if you get killed by one you may as well take that one way ticket down the Rainbow Connection to Hell, because not even the big guy can forgive that travesty.

The most respectable mythical creature to be offed by is a little more difficult. There's some pretty stout competition. You've got the Yetti and Bigfoot that could obviously dominate some human flesh. You've also got things like Dragons, Cyclops, Hydras, Griffins, and Trolls. These are the things that nightmares are made of. Everybody knows the Boogie Man is just some giant (insert deadly mythical creature of choice) hiding in your closet. I think the most frightening for me and probably the most respectable to be killed by would have to be either a Hydra or a Griffin. Both are legit contenders. The Hydra is a large dragon type monster whose heads multiply every time you cut one off. That's some scary crap. Just when you think you've figured this guy out and he goes and regenerates another dragon head. Bad news bears. I think if you get taken out by the Hydra, they will probably have some sort of stone monument erected in your honor just for being bad enough to try. The Griffin is also a frightening prospect- a lion/eagle- that's all kinds of bad news. Not only does he have a muscular lion body, but he can also fly and tear you apart with his talons and beak. I'm out on any Griffin attacks. But let's be honest, I'm out on getting attacked by any mythical creature. I would probably crap my pants and hope it was solid enough to stay put while I got my crack kicked by some sort of dragon/horse/lion/mosquito/rhinoceros/falcon. Terrible way to go.

Meteorologists really know how to party!

If you're into doing lines of coke and sleeping in an empty bath tub with a dead naked dude, then you should party it up with KARK weatherman Brett Cummins (assuming he doesn't get sent to prison for the above mentioned offenses.) Cummins was a likable enough guy for a weatherman. I watched a different channel, but I never had beef with him as my tornado predictor. However, apparently the excitement of the last few "weather events", err weathergasms, may have caused the guy to snap a little inside. You've got to be off a little anyway to get that excited about high pressure systems and fluctuating temperature, but Cummins was likely a little more than off. The story below gives a good summary of what we know of the events that led to Dexter Williams death. Basically, Cummins and Williams were over at a friend's house for a good wholesome night of inhaling some powdered stimulant. One thing led to the next, they climbed in an empty bath tub together to polish off a few bottles and Cummins woke up to naked, dead guy. I could see how most people could bend and twist the truth to make this look bad for the semi-famous meteorologist, but clearly he is not at fault. He was so shaken by the happenings, or still drunk/stoned enough, that he blew chunks all over the living room as soon as he woke up from his bath tub nap. Okay... he's definitely getting axed and probably going to jail. This may be the definition of cut and dry.

http://www.foxnews.com/us/2011/09/06/arkansas-man-found-dead-in-empty-hot-tub-with-local-tv-meteorologist/?test=latestnews

Suspicious behavior

I often sift through the mug shots on our local FaulknerCountyBooked.com to see what gems I can find. A couple things that I am generally looking for: people I know, classic mug shots, and pictures that obviously match the crime. Today, I would like to share a few with you. I hope you enjoy this practice as much as I do.

Mr. Ronald Jones was busted for possession of cocaine. Do you think they even bothered looking for the coke? My guess is they took a look at the guy and just charged him for looking like he may have swallowed 3 lbs of cocaine.

Mr. David Howell was arrested for public intoxication. He must have been passed out in the middle of the road. They have tried to close his mouth several times. Not going to happen.

Justin Alexander was arrested for failure to appear and for being too dumb to figure out where the camera is. Mayflower, AR has never been known for an overly high IQ average.

Russell King was arrested for domestic battery. He must be married to a freaking gorilla. Seriously, dude?! Did you find her at the circus? Oh... I see, you tripped. Maybe fell down the stairs. I'm sure she loves you.

Ray Woodson arrested for... any guesses??? Yeah... tweaked out of his gourd. Sad thing is that he thought he was snorting cocaine. When they tested it, it was just powdered sugar and comet. Explains a lot.

This was an accident. Robert Dwiggins was arrested for failure to appear. They thought he was Willie Nelson. He was released shortly after the arresting officer searched him and didn't find a single doobie on him.

I'll try to make this a regular feature. It's a good time for everyone. Well, everyone except these guys. That would probably ruin a day.

Jawesome!

Apparently a medium sized village in the Philippines found and caught a very large problem- a 21' crocodile! As a person who has been around alligators fairly frequently, I can say... "Sweet Moses!" Supposedly, the crocodile was seen eating a water buffalo recently. My guess is that water buffalo means Volkswagen in Filipino. Any villager complaining about difficulty in finding shelter should just cut the thing open and take up residence in his small intestine. It's gotta be a solid 200 square feet. Can you imagine how much the skin and meat on that thing is worth? That's enough to make the late Steve Irwin poach and sell his pelt. The article is linked below. Pay special attention to the last line of the article... "They have been told to avoid venturing into marshy areas alone at night." Because the buddy system clearly works against 21' dinosaurs with hefty appetites.

http://news.yahoo.com/giant-crocodile-captured-alive-philippines-134625838.html

Update: They just cut his gut open and found 3 live bull sharks playing Marco Polo in there.

Herschel Walker is a very large, very crazy man.

Per Robbie's request, I am dropping some truth bombs today. However, I have spent literally 3.2 minutes looking for the video evidence of Herschel Walker's craziness during the Georgia v. Boise St. game to no avail. So you'll have to take my word for it.

Herschel was being interviewed by some girl sideline reporter about his documentary that is about to come out. Let it be known, that Herschel has long been known as a nut job. This is not new news for anybody. He's crazy. He's also incredibly ripped which is a scary prospect for the world. That dude could clearly go on a killing rampage the likes of which Marvel couldn't dream up. Coming back to the interview, Herschel was definitely on his crazy game. Even when he was making logical statements, he still sounded crazy. He, of course, threw in the requisite gratitude to God and Jesus Christ. No problem there, although at first ear shot I did think that he claimed to be Jesus Christ. Then, the interview got serious and all documentary pluggy. The focus was turned from his career and Georgia to his film. This was his synopsis...

"This is not a movie about rockets, but I do believe in rockets."

Thank you Herschel for clarifying that you do, indeed, believe in rockets. There was a lot of speculation about whether rockets actually existed and you have now nipped all of that right in the bud. Rockets do exist people... do not fret.