Lebron is Human

I don't care how old or how famous you get. It's still funny.

Doesn't matter if you're Black or White

I'm always a fan of pop culture that takes things that are known to be extremely racially biased, such as furniture stores, and turns them into a colorblind symbol of unity. I would always buy my furniture from Red House if I lived in NC, just so my diverse group of White, Black, Hispanic, and Inuit friends could enjoy my furniture as much as I do.

It's like Cracker Jacks... only less pleasant of a surprise

Here's a magic trick for you. Watch my left hand closely as I use my right hand to cleverly combine the Shaq quote of the day and the random athlete vs. celebrity picture of the day. Shazam!

“I heard what Chris Bosh said, and that’s strong words coming from the RuPaul of big men,” O’Neal said. “I’m going to do the same thing (in their next meeting) I did before - make him quit. Make ‘em quit and complain. It’s what I do.”

Don't mess with... Georgia

While watching a NASCAR race on TV, two Georgia men decided to get shammered like every other person of age (8) who has ever watched a NASCAR race. Apparently, the two men then lost all sense of better judgment and forgot that Driving While Intoxicated is not specific to actually driving. It is more specific to being near a road on any object that may move. Every reasonable person know that.
I would like to have seen the report had they been riding bull mastiffs or black bears, maybe even one of those cute little Barbie jeeps.

Kinda like Space Jam... only different

Today will be the first of many random days in which I will post a picture of an athlete and some sort of famous celebrity. I'm sure that you will never be able to look at these athletes the same way again. Enjoy.

Shaqtacular Quote of the Day

“I weigh 330,000 pounds…I’m the NBA’s best NFL player, and I’ve always been the sexiest 7-footer in the NBA – for 12 years running.”

No explanation necessary.

Chavez talks into what?!

It's common knowledge that Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez is a lunatic. He's straight up mentally ill. Yet, he is still the leader of a pretty substantial South American country.

Apparently as part of his crusade to make everything cheap or free in Venezuela, he has manufactured a cell phone. Good for him. I have no problem with Venezuelans being able to afford cell phones. But, because he's good ole Hugo, he had to go and give it a name that is remarkably similar to the slang word for penis. Cheap cell phone or not, I, personally have no desire to put that anywhere near my face. Follow the link for the story.

UCASports.com Editor position open

If I were Autumn Stewart, Freshman discus thrower at UCA, I would do two things. 1) Make UCASports.com remove my picture from the front page. 2) Never let anyone take a picture of me while throwing discus again.

Billy Mays won't even promote this

This is one of the biggest reasons that I don't go to Toadsuck Daze anymore. As tempting as deep fried desserts are, the possibility of seeing Pregnant G-string Girl is overwhelming.
What makes this worse, is that this was not the only picture taken. This girl had more people taking pictures of her openly than Dale Jr. in an Alabama Dollar General.

NBA Photo Gallery

From left to right: Brian Scalabrine (Celtics mascot/ giant white Irish mediocre basketball player), Joakim Noah (Bulls energy guy, ugly son of wierd tennis player and hot model), Paul Pierce (Self proclaimed "Best Basketball Player in the World", guy who plays running alien in Close Encounters of the 3rd Kind).

The Chinese are very competitive

When the Rockets lost to the Trailblazers Tuesday night, some of the players had already started making plans on how to assure that Brandon Roy did not dominate them again.
"Obviously, our worst game of the series," Yao said. "Hopefully, next game, execution will result in our best game."
I'm not a linguist of any kind, but that sounds to me like it is slightly more of a threat than Eric Dampier's "I'll put Tony Parker on his back." I'm not sure how they do it in China, Yao, but here in the civilized world, executions are not part of our "NBA Cares" attempt at good citizenship. Snipers will obviously be in place at the next game to ensure that neither Yao nor his possy of oversized Asians tries to behead any Trailblazers. I would still keep my head on a swivel if I were Brandon Roy or Greg Oden though. I hear that Yao is a Shogun and well... Greg Oden is obviously a lower level ninja.

As if PETA didn't have enough reason to protest horse racing

I've been around a few horses in my life and never seen one so obviously hopped up on anabolic steroids and methamphetamines. This horse looked like a combination of Usain Bolt (speed), Manute Bol (coordination), and Nick Nolte (intoxication). And the horse on the receiving end... honestly, it's a train wreck. I imagine that a similar result would come about if I tried to take a charge on a LeBron fast break or tried to block a Ray Lewis blitz. I would say poor horse, but it probably lived better than me.

And the Academy Award for Best Actor goes to... Shaquille O'neal.

Steve Nash directed a short film recently that features Shaq as a 70's style cop. I don't think that I need to say anything more to entice you to watch this video. Amazing!

Never deface the Superman emblem!

Shaqtastic Quote of the Day

"Me having a beautiful wife and great family and friends around me, all the money I've got, all the things that I've got, a Ferrari that I just ripped the top off of and turned into a convertible, the rings I got, the two mansions on the water, a master's in criminal justice, I'm a cop, plus I look good. So me shoothing 40 percent at the foul line is just God's way of saying that nobody's perfect. If I shot 90 percent from the line, it just wouldn't be right."

A sad day in Childhood Memory Land

Anybody who watched basketball in the early to mid 90's knows how painful today and the rest of eternity will be without the great Dikembe Mutombo Mpolondo Mukamba Jean-Jacques Wamutombo blocking shots in the NBA. Last night, the 7'2" Congolese NBA player finished his career with the Rockets. He left the floor on a stretcher after he and Greg Oden (the goofy heir to Dikembe's shot blocking legacy) got tangled up and Dikembe apparently "strained his knee." You may think that a strained knee is nothing. Carried out on a stretcher? Retiring? Valid criticism. That is until you realize that this man is in his 18th year in the NBA and is the oldest player currently on a roster. At any rate, I think that it is only fair that we honor him with one last finger wag. I don't care if it is on a basketball court, at work, or in the kitchen. It is requisite that we all block a shot for Dikembe. I want block parties on basketballs, paper wads, and tomatoes. Anything that goes airborne needs to be promptly rejected and followed by a Dikembe reminiscient finger wag.

We'll miss you big man. Here's to you.

Even professional athletes need that edge

I personally believe that skills are normally developed over many years and through a lot of practice and experience. However, certain people have physical attributes that allow them the opportunity to skip most of that crap and attain awesomeness at an accelerated rate. Most people would agree that people like Lebron James are way ahead of the learning curve because they were gifted with the body of a Greek god. Honestly, 6'9" and 275 is a gift from the gods. However, other players have unique physical attributes that give a similar advantage. Let me give you some examples.

Mo Williams, PG, Cleveland Cavaliers, All-star, 3 point specialist, Lebron's sidekick- Mo has an uncanny knack for getting the ball in the basket or into Lebron's hands (which is basically the same thing). Is it because of year and years of practice and hard work. No, it's because he has a massive tattoo of a pit bull on his shoulder that wills the ball in the hole. Do I have a dog tattooed on my arm? No. Am I an NBA all-star making millions of dollars? No.

Ronaldinho, Brazilian soccer god, Ugliest man alive- Ronaldinho has been tagged the greatest soccer player in the world on multiple occasions. He has ball skills that are used to consistently embarrass his opponents. He also has incredibly greasy hair and a face that looks like it's been hit with a large snow shovel. Do I have Rick James like greasy hair and a face that only a mother and/or money hungry Brazilian models could love? No. Am I making millions playing soccer? Also a NO.

Darren McFadden, RB, Oakland Raiders- DMac finished 2nd in the Heisman race 2 years in a row. He embarrases linebackers and D-backs alike with his blazing speed and stiff arms. Is it because solely because he grew up in a bullet riddled neighborhood or has the perfect combination of height, weight, and speed? No, it's obviously because he sports "501 Boy" and "Arkansas Bred" tattoos on his biceps and abs respectively. Do I have tattoos signifying which 3 number code precedes my childhood telephone number? No, and again I am a poor HP employee and not a professional athlete.

Lary Bird, Celtic great, Hero to good White Trash folks everywhere- Larry Bird is listed as one of the greatest basketball players to ever play the game. He could shoot from anywhere (as illustrated in the McDonald's HORSE commercials) and was possibly more clutch than even Big Shot Bob. Do you think practice or the fact that he lived on the wrong side of the White Trash capitol of Indiana is the only reason he competed with Magic and Michael? Absolutely not. It was most definately because of his nasty, yet glorious stache. Larry will go down in history for being a great basketball player and will owe it all to the chunk of frayed hair that inhabits his upper lip.

I think these examples prove my theory. It is now law. Which is precisely why I am growing a beautiful Skank Stache. So that I too will have an upperhand in my development as one of the greatest basketball players in history.

Shaqalicious Quote of the Day

I would like to make this a recurring post. Everybody knows that the Big Shaqtus is one of the most dominant and entertaining players in NBA history, but I think some people are not quite aware how he earned his Big Shakespeare and Big Aristotle nicknames. Over this series, I hope to prove the Shaqtasticness of Shaq's verbage.

Today's Quote: At a press conference before one of his NBA Finals trips with the Lakers..."We know what we have to do. I know when I get up in the morning, I have to put my underwear on first and then my pants. (5 second pause). Yeah... Thongs."

Duke needs to get back to academic basics

I know. How dare I criticize one of the best schools in the nation?! However, the face of the university is a guy who will ultimately end up being the most recognizable and winningest Men's College Basketball coach in history... and he can't spell his name phonetically at all. Coach K is called Coach K because anybody who tries to pronounce his name is embarassed by their lack of literacy. His name is Mike Krzyzewski, pronounced Mike Sheshevski. At what point did the letter K begin making the SH sound. I know it's the guy's name. He's probably the very proud ancestor of an Eastern European martyr, but this guy was the coach of Army's basketball time. He is 100% American and a role model for people across our country. Will we begin seeing Duke fans name their children Mike, spelled Qmihg3p? Will last names be changed from Smith or Jones to names with too few vowels and consonants not used in Wheel of Fortune? I think that Duke, as a leader in education should approach Mr. Sheshevski about supporting the English language and its phonetics. Legal name changes are not hard to make. It may cost $50 max. This guy makes millions. Please Coach K, think of the children. Think of America. Please don't ruin our language and undo the teaching of 1st graders everywhere.

Raider Nationesque Sportsmanship

Below is the story of an Iraqi soccer player shot in the head while attempting to score a goal. It was the then living striker completely alone, just the goalie to beat... oh and that crazy guy in the stands with a gun... we forgot about him.
Keep in mind this is not quite like a coach tripping or form tackling a player on a breakaway. This is just slightly worse. A man at full sprint is gunned down by a lunatic fan. That doesn't happen in the US. We still think that Philadelphia Eagles fans are horrible people for throwing snow balls at Santa Clause. Snow ball are not bullets. They do not kill people.
Now, I have said before that I am not an overly political person. I am supportive of America and our government for the most part. But cue my anti-war comments. I am proud of soldiers who volunteer to fight for freedom, but Iraq is not a threat to the US anymore. My vote: let's pull all of our soldiers out and drop several thousand bombs on any country with poor enough morals to shoot a soccer player because he might score against your team. Or at least pull the soldiers out, build a 300 ft tall electric fence (Jurassic Park style) around the entire country and let them either excel as a country or shoot each other in the head.

A day in the life of a big time HP employee

I am finally out of training after 5 weeks of intense study of important things like how to leave a voicemail and insights like a chipset is a set of chips. Now that I am aware of the mysteries of life, I can begin my real job. So, I am going to document my day for everyone to see. Here it goes:

6:13- Leave for work while listening to Corey and Jay Show
6:45- Arrive at parking lot and wind down from traffic stress
6:52- Begin 6 block walk to the office, every step leads me farther away from the drunken bums outside the Lafayette building.
6:59- Arrive at desk, turn on computer, login to phone.
7:01- Turn on Pandora radio for the day.
7:05- Begin reading newspapers from the northeast to get a better feel for life as one of my clients.
7:14- Read intriguing story about a murderer shot in the courtroom after attacking the judge.
7:17- Create "Question" (Old 97's) station on Pandora
7:23- Look at clock- it's not lunch time
7:30- Still not lunch time
7:33- IM my manager- "Busy right now, I'll ping you back in a few minutes"
7:34- IM my mentor- schedule only meeting of day for 1pm
7:35- Stare aimlessly at my cubicle wall trying to find patterns in the decorative lines
7:36- Deadspin, ESPN, The Onion, Facebook, Random Google searches
10:16- Time actually stops for a full 3 hours
10:46- Create "Ben Folds" station on Pandora
10:51- Look at all 8 billion albums on vinyl at BestBuy.com
11:28- Can I make it from the 11th floor of the Metropolitan Building to the 2 floor of the closed down YMCA next door? I think so...
11:34- Call from Billy... He might schedule a meeting, but I'm not sure I'll be able to make room in my busy schedule.
11:37- It's nearly lunch time.
12:10- Go to lunch. It's left over pinto beans, collard greens, fried okra, and ribs. Excitement ensues.
12:35- Help Emily create a Siebel opportunity- yeah, that's real work.
12:48- Wait patiently for my meeting with John to start. Is there an actual purpose for this meeting? Doubtful, but at least it's real human contact.
1:01- I hope the meeting planned for 1 is still on.
1:04- John calls, conferences me in on sales calls, goes over tools. Obviously the reason the HP is paying me.
1:42- End phone call with John, wait on Mark (my manager) to call me at 2.
1:50- Got scheduled into a training from 4-5. Yea! I've been here since 7 and was thinking about leaving at 3:30. Guess not.
2:15- Still waiting on Mark to call me. I'm sure he's just busy. Right?
2:16- Time to make my rounds on Deadspin, ESPN, Facebook, etc.
2:18- Mark called. 2 minute conversation letting me know that he won't know anything till Monday. Thanks.
2:21- Talked to Casey. Fortunately, he isn't working either. It's nice to sink with at least one other person in your boat.
2:52- Talked to Rachel- at least I'm not cold calling K12 schools in southern Texas. Ouch.
3:29- Watch Onion videos

Taking a bite out of crime

I think that it is imperative that everyone watch this.
That's assault brother

Your Mama jokes are understood in every language

So a Mexican assistant soccer coach slapped an American player in his grill... not a big deal in my book. The guy agreed that he probably deserved it. The real crime is that nobody is talking about the coach's amazing Mexi-Mullet. It's not that it's unexpected. I mean, seriously, the guy's name is Paco and he's a coach for the Mexican national team. It's probably in his DNA. However, it should at least be noted that the guy has a Jheri Curl mullet, which makes him the biggest bad-a on the team... as demonstrated in this video.

The recession's the least of our problems

Here is an interesting story about 8 people being beheaded in India. Apparently, Indians are not fans of Cinderella or her story.

http://news.aol.com/article/8-beheaded-in-india-wedding-dispute/338199

Eat your heart out Michael Vick!

I thought a story about a crazy Texan in a station wagon filled with dog feces would be the most fitting way to get back to regular posts on here.
I personally have a theory that over 80% of all human beings are certifiably nuts. Some hide it better than others. This woman in Texas was obviously not fooling anybody. I mean, if you can be considered the craziest person in northern Texas, you are obviously off the freaking radar.
So the story goes, Police in this little podunk town got a tip that a woman had a bunch of dogs in a station wagon on some old country road. They went to check it out and found the woman in a car filled with 20 adult dogs, 2 puppies, and the natural bi-products. Apparently the police officers could smell the urine from several feet away from the locked vehicle. In fact, they later found that the ammonia given off by the waste was strong enough to cause some serious health problems. The woman refused to cooperate and locked her doors. Now, if I were the police officer dealing with this brand of crazy, I would have asked politely and then left the woman to rot in dog poo. Apparently they persisted and she eventually gave in allowing the officers to take all of the dogs to the local animal shelter, which in northern Texas probably meant another station wagon attached to a slightly larger FEMA trailer.
I don't hate animals. I don't own one, but that's because I personally think that most are a waste of time and money. However, this woman is a perfect example of the crazy gene often found in obsessive animal lovers. Although PETA will inevitably condemn her to puppy hell, people who hoard dogs and people who stand outside the Westminster Dog Show dressed in white robes comparing the American Kennel Club to the Klu Klux Klan are cut from the same mold.
Read the story and see the picture below:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/29109007/

Cue mildly inappropriate news headlines

In Central Arkansas there just aren't an abundance of things to do, keep track of, or even celebrate. We have no professional sports teams and, therefore settle to root for the state college of choice. Stereotypically, Arkansans root for the Razorbacks. We bleed Razorback Red, particularly during football season. Recently, I have become a ridiculously obsessive UCA Bear fan. That is largely due to my friendship with the perennial backup quarterback and several other football players. However, in the past 3-4 weeks I have threatened to change my alliances. Nathan Dick, the former Razorback quarterback whose brother was excellent at throwing the ball to the other team, has recently decided to transfer to UCA. I have bit my tongue (for the most part) in regards to Nathan Brown starting because of his unusual skill of throwing a perfect screen pass. No really... the kid throws one of the best 5-10 yard passes I've seen. Unfortunately, anything longer than that is likely to be shot down by an errant duck hunter. Robbie has worked for the last 3 years behind Nathan to learn the offense, build rapport with the other players and coaches, and improve his skills with the assumption that he would be the starter or at least be first in line (competing only with under-developed Red-Shirt Freshmen). Clint Conque and the coaching staff at UCA apparently had a different idea, bringing in Nathan Dick who has undoubtedly been told that he will have a good opportunity to win the starting job. There is something to be said to doing what is right and being loyal. Apparently Conque does not possess those qualities. I may be ranting prematurely. Conque may prove me wrong and sit Dick on the sidelines while he matures and learns the offense. But I fear that the coming headlines will read "Conque loves Dick." "Conque loves Brown, Dick" would also be appropriate. I think it is a safe assumption that Park will definitely be violated in some way by Conque's Dick.