Cue mildly inappropriate news headlines

In Central Arkansas there just aren't an abundance of things to do, keep track of, or even celebrate. We have no professional sports teams and, therefore settle to root for the state college of choice. Stereotypically, Arkansans root for the Razorbacks. We bleed Razorback Red, particularly during football season. Recently, I have become a ridiculously obsessive UCA Bear fan. That is largely due to my friendship with the perennial backup quarterback and several other football players. However, in the past 3-4 weeks I have threatened to change my alliances. Nathan Dick, the former Razorback quarterback whose brother was excellent at throwing the ball to the other team, has recently decided to transfer to UCA. I have bit my tongue (for the most part) in regards to Nathan Brown starting because of his unusual skill of throwing a perfect screen pass. No really... the kid throws one of the best 5-10 yard passes I've seen. Unfortunately, anything longer than that is likely to be shot down by an errant duck hunter. Robbie has worked for the last 3 years behind Nathan to learn the offense, build rapport with the other players and coaches, and improve his skills with the assumption that he would be the starter or at least be first in line (competing only with under-developed Red-Shirt Freshmen). Clint Conque and the coaching staff at UCA apparently had a different idea, bringing in Nathan Dick who has undoubtedly been told that he will have a good opportunity to win the starting job. There is something to be said to doing what is right and being loyal. Apparently Conque does not possess those qualities. I may be ranting prematurely. Conque may prove me wrong and sit Dick on the sidelines while he matures and learns the offense. But I fear that the coming headlines will read "Conque loves Dick." "Conque loves Brown, Dick" would also be appropriate. I think it is a safe assumption that Park will definitely be violated in some way by Conque's Dick.

Sports Idiot of the Year

As the year winds down, I think it only fitting to name the Sports Idiot of the Year for 2008.
There was some good competition this year. Brazilian soccer "star" Ronaldo can't tell men from women and jumps on board the transvestite train. The Bengals backup wide receiver who thinks it's a good idea to punch a police officer in the chest when he can't get in a club. I'm sure there are more, but it doesn't matter because they don't win unless their name is Plaxico Antonio Burress. The soon to be former New York Giants' wide receiver is a certified Grade A moron. He is even dumber than Eli Manning looks. Here is the sequence of events that led him into "box of hair" infamy.

1. Plaxico decides that with his star status he can own a gun without registering it in the city of New York.
2. Plaxico decides to go to a night club somewhere in New York with teammate Antonio Pierce where he feels so unsafe that he brings his unregistered gun. Note: Why Plaxico felt unsafe anywhere in the world when accompanied by Antonio Pierce (6-1, 238 lbs, resembles a Kodiak bear) is unknown at this time.
3. Plaxico mishandles the gun and shoots himself in the leg.
4. Plaxico goes to the hospital where he gives a false name.
   
5. Plaxico is of course caught and is now being charged with felony possession of a firearm and several other charges stemming from that night.
6. Plaxico is dumb enough to keep an apparent "cache" of guns and ammo at his home even after being arrested and charged for not registering his firearms.

I would like to thank Plaxico for generously providing us with an example of how not to be intelligent. Not only does he think that he won't get caught for doing illegal things (seeing as how he is not recognizable at all), but also shoots himself in the leg. He probably would have won just because he shot himself. However, the latest element of possessing an artillery of unregistered firearms and not getting rid of or at least hiding them after being charged for the same exact crime a few weeks prior is what really puts him over the edge.
So... Congratulations Plaxico Antonio Burress, you are dumber than the guy who slept with transvestites.

Sarah Palin meets her Alaskan Maverick match

Meet Snowzilla, a 25 ft. tall snowman built in Anchorage, AK. So it's a giant snowman... that is neat. What is even more neat is that this is Snowzilla's fourth stint and he keeps getting larger every year. He started out at 16 ft. tall and has grown every year.
The city of Anchorage disagrees with the neatness. In fact, this year they issued a cease and desist on building Frosty and Godzilla's love child. Apparently, the fact that their is a giant stack of snow with a hat causes traffic problems in the small neighborhood... never mind the fact that there are giant stacks of snow everywhere in Alaska. That is not the only problem that the city has found with Snowzilla's owner. He is also running an illegal scrap yard (Where else do you find Snowzilla's corn cob pipe?) in a small suburban neighborhood and evidently owes the city upwards of $100,000 in fines. What a freaking rebel. You, Mr. Billy Powers, are the real Alaskan Maverick.

An Inconvenient Truth

I'm the type of person that always thinks flatulence is funny. No matter how hard I try, I can't help but laugh at farts. Now, I have heard of orange juice and hard boiled eggs causing extreme cases of cheese cutting, but I had no idea that Brussels sprouts would have the same effect... especially for gorillas.
Apparently, a zoo in London underestimated the shear fart power of the gorillas that they fed a nice helping of Brussels sprouts. The Brussels sprouts were a Christmas present and were also touted as a wonderful source of Vitamin C. The smell of the results was apparently so unbearable that the zoo was forced to release an official apology to patrons.

http://www.neatorama.com/2008/12/18/brussels-sprouts-gorillas-bad-situation/

La Virgin and her saving brain scan power

I hate to be the guy who pokes fun at the lady with some kind of horrible disease, but this has crazy written all over it. The Virgin Mary appearances are getting to be a little absurd. I mean, grilled cheese, tortillas, and soup are one thing... but brain scans. And maybe there is a little part of the brain that somehow resembles a woman in a robe, but does it really have power to save anyone. I know, I should be more sensitive and caring and I really do hope the lady gets better, but I can just about guarantee that the Virgin Mary brain scan will not be what does it. And that's just one level of crazy. Then she steps into the conspiracy theory realm claiming that she somehow got her disease from Agent Orange. I'm pretty sure this woman never went to Vietnam... oh but she did live in Jacksonville, Arkansas... close enough. Not only that, but she theorizes that the government is out to get her and even CNN has dropped her story because of pressure to cover up the Agent Orange conspiracy. My guess is CNN dropped your story because you are 352 kinds of crazy.

Check the whole thing out on her Ebay auction.

http://cgi.ebay.com/Mother-Mary-MRI-LIKENESS-OF_W0QQitemZ250338773378QQcmdZViewItemQQptZLH_DefaultDomain_0?hash=item250338773378&_trksid=p3286.c0.m14&_trkparms=72%3A570%7C66%3A2%7C65%3A12%7C39%3A1%7C240%3A1318%7C301%3A1%7C293%3A1%7C294%3A50

This just in...

For all of those who have doubted for years that headbanging is harmful, think again. Australian medical experts are now warning that headbanging could lead to head or neck injuries.

So... let me get this straight... violently shaking my head as if it were a can of V8 can actually do damage. Oh my! I see no merit in this report and will completely disregard it.

http://music.yahoo.com/read/news/61930005

Your name should be followed by "Motor Speedway"

Tina Fey or Sarah Palin's (sometimes I just get confused) daughter, Bristol, has been catching headlines since her mom popped onto the political scene to add some youth to the "Maverick" campaign. I am not a political person at all. In fact, I don't even vote because I normally don't think that the candidates are worth sitting in the DMV to register. However, I do keep tabs on the stuff just for kicks and giggles. We all know that slightly underaged Bristol (not to be confused with the town in Virginia or the Nascar track) got knocked up and tarnished her mother's otherwise good name. I am not condoning the fact that she is still in high school, obviously not married, and carrying an eskimo's child, but we should all give the girl a break. After all, she does live in Alaska and her parents are always off galavanting on snow mobiles and hunting caribou and what not. At any rate.... this is all old news. Yesterday, every source of media that could form a complete sentence found it necessary to report that Bristol's boyfriend's mom got arrested for running a grocery store of oxycontin in her house. Again, I am not condoning the fact that the woman is wasted on heroin in a pill form... but is this even real news. First of all, Sarah Palin is back in Alaska and not running for any national office. That means that I no longer care how much she spends on clothes or any other worthless information. Second of all, this is about Palin's daughter's baby daddy's mom. That relationship doesn't even get spoken about in most West Virginia mountain community bluegrass jam sessions. I'm all for interesting news that doesn't involve the economy, but this is a little much.