A sad day in Childhood Memory Land

Anybody who watched basketball in the early to mid 90's knows how painful today and the rest of eternity will be without the great Dikembe Mutombo Mpolondo Mukamba Jean-Jacques Wamutombo blocking shots in the NBA. Last night, the 7'2" Congolese NBA player finished his career with the Rockets. He left the floor on a stretcher after he and Greg Oden (the goofy heir to Dikembe's shot blocking legacy) got tangled up and Dikembe apparently "strained his knee." You may think that a strained knee is nothing. Carried out on a stretcher? Retiring? Valid criticism. That is until you realize that this man is in his 18th year in the NBA and is the oldest player currently on a roster. At any rate, I think that it is only fair that we honor him with one last finger wag. I don't care if it is on a basketball court, at work, or in the kitchen. It is requisite that we all block a shot for Dikembe. I want block parties on basketballs, paper wads, and tomatoes. Anything that goes airborne needs to be promptly rejected and followed by a Dikembe reminiscient finger wag.

We'll miss you big man. Here's to you.

Even professional athletes need that edge

I personally believe that skills are normally developed over many years and through a lot of practice and experience. However, certain people have physical attributes that allow them the opportunity to skip most of that crap and attain awesomeness at an accelerated rate. Most people would agree that people like Lebron James are way ahead of the learning curve because they were gifted with the body of a Greek god. Honestly, 6'9" and 275 is a gift from the gods. However, other players have unique physical attributes that give a similar advantage. Let me give you some examples.

Mo Williams, PG, Cleveland Cavaliers, All-star, 3 point specialist, Lebron's sidekick- Mo has an uncanny knack for getting the ball in the basket or into Lebron's hands (which is basically the same thing). Is it because of year and years of practice and hard work. No, it's because he has a massive tattoo of a pit bull on his shoulder that wills the ball in the hole. Do I have a dog tattooed on my arm? No. Am I an NBA all-star making millions of dollars? No.

Ronaldinho, Brazilian soccer god, Ugliest man alive- Ronaldinho has been tagged the greatest soccer player in the world on multiple occasions. He has ball skills that are used to consistently embarrass his opponents. He also has incredibly greasy hair and a face that looks like it's been hit with a large snow shovel. Do I have Rick James like greasy hair and a face that only a mother and/or money hungry Brazilian models could love? No. Am I making millions playing soccer? Also a NO.

Darren McFadden, RB, Oakland Raiders- DMac finished 2nd in the Heisman race 2 years in a row. He embarrases linebackers and D-backs alike with his blazing speed and stiff arms. Is it because solely because he grew up in a bullet riddled neighborhood or has the perfect combination of height, weight, and speed? No, it's obviously because he sports "501 Boy" and "Arkansas Bred" tattoos on his biceps and abs respectively. Do I have tattoos signifying which 3 number code precedes my childhood telephone number? No, and again I am a poor HP employee and not a professional athlete.

Lary Bird, Celtic great, Hero to good White Trash folks everywhere- Larry Bird is listed as one of the greatest basketball players to ever play the game. He could shoot from anywhere (as illustrated in the McDonald's HORSE commercials) and was possibly more clutch than even Big Shot Bob. Do you think practice or the fact that he lived on the wrong side of the White Trash capitol of Indiana is the only reason he competed with Magic and Michael? Absolutely not. It was most definately because of his nasty, yet glorious stache. Larry will go down in history for being a great basketball player and will owe it all to the chunk of frayed hair that inhabits his upper lip.

I think these examples prove my theory. It is now law. Which is precisely why I am growing a beautiful Skank Stache. So that I too will have an upperhand in my development as one of the greatest basketball players in history.

Shaqalicious Quote of the Day

I would like to make this a recurring post. Everybody knows that the Big Shaqtus is one of the most dominant and entertaining players in NBA history, but I think some people are not quite aware how he earned his Big Shakespeare and Big Aristotle nicknames. Over this series, I hope to prove the Shaqtasticness of Shaq's verbage.

Today's Quote: At a press conference before one of his NBA Finals trips with the Lakers..."We know what we have to do. I know when I get up in the morning, I have to put my underwear on first and then my pants. (5 second pause). Yeah... Thongs."

Duke needs to get back to academic basics

I know. How dare I criticize one of the best schools in the nation?! However, the face of the university is a guy who will ultimately end up being the most recognizable and winningest Men's College Basketball coach in history... and he can't spell his name phonetically at all. Coach K is called Coach K because anybody who tries to pronounce his name is embarassed by their lack of literacy. His name is Mike Krzyzewski, pronounced Mike Sheshevski. At what point did the letter K begin making the SH sound. I know it's the guy's name. He's probably the very proud ancestor of an Eastern European martyr, but this guy was the coach of Army's basketball time. He is 100% American and a role model for people across our country. Will we begin seeing Duke fans name their children Mike, spelled Qmihg3p? Will last names be changed from Smith or Jones to names with too few vowels and consonants not used in Wheel of Fortune? I think that Duke, as a leader in education should approach Mr. Sheshevski about supporting the English language and its phonetics. Legal name changes are not hard to make. It may cost $50 max. This guy makes millions. Please Coach K, think of the children. Think of America. Please don't ruin our language and undo the teaching of 1st graders everywhere.

Raider Nationesque Sportsmanship

Below is the story of an Iraqi soccer player shot in the head while attempting to score a goal. It was the then living striker completely alone, just the goalie to beat... oh and that crazy guy in the stands with a gun... we forgot about him.
Keep in mind this is not quite like a coach tripping or form tackling a player on a breakaway. This is just slightly worse. A man at full sprint is gunned down by a lunatic fan. That doesn't happen in the US. We still think that Philadelphia Eagles fans are horrible people for throwing snow balls at Santa Clause. Snow ball are not bullets. They do not kill people.
Now, I have said before that I am not an overly political person. I am supportive of America and our government for the most part. But cue my anti-war comments. I am proud of soldiers who volunteer to fight for freedom, but Iraq is not a threat to the US anymore. My vote: let's pull all of our soldiers out and drop several thousand bombs on any country with poor enough morals to shoot a soccer player because he might score against your team. Or at least pull the soldiers out, build a 300 ft tall electric fence (Jurassic Park style) around the entire country and let them either excel as a country or shoot each other in the head.

A day in the life of a big time HP employee

I am finally out of training after 5 weeks of intense study of important things like how to leave a voicemail and insights like a chipset is a set of chips. Now that I am aware of the mysteries of life, I can begin my real job. So, I am going to document my day for everyone to see. Here it goes:

6:13- Leave for work while listening to Corey and Jay Show
6:45- Arrive at parking lot and wind down from traffic stress
6:52- Begin 6 block walk to the office, every step leads me farther away from the drunken bums outside the Lafayette building.
6:59- Arrive at desk, turn on computer, login to phone.
7:01- Turn on Pandora radio for the day.
7:05- Begin reading newspapers from the northeast to get a better feel for life as one of my clients.
7:14- Read intriguing story about a murderer shot in the courtroom after attacking the judge.
7:17- Create "Question" (Old 97's) station on Pandora
7:23- Look at clock- it's not lunch time
7:30- Still not lunch time
7:33- IM my manager- "Busy right now, I'll ping you back in a few minutes"
7:34- IM my mentor- schedule only meeting of day for 1pm
7:35- Stare aimlessly at my cubicle wall trying to find patterns in the decorative lines
7:36- Deadspin, ESPN, The Onion, Facebook, Random Google searches
10:16- Time actually stops for a full 3 hours
10:46- Create "Ben Folds" station on Pandora
10:51- Look at all 8 billion albums on vinyl at BestBuy.com
11:28- Can I make it from the 11th floor of the Metropolitan Building to the 2 floor of the closed down YMCA next door? I think so...
11:34- Call from Billy... He might schedule a meeting, but I'm not sure I'll be able to make room in my busy schedule.
11:37- It's nearly lunch time.
12:10- Go to lunch. It's left over pinto beans, collard greens, fried okra, and ribs. Excitement ensues.
12:35- Help Emily create a Siebel opportunity- yeah, that's real work.
12:48- Wait patiently for my meeting with John to start. Is there an actual purpose for this meeting? Doubtful, but at least it's real human contact.
1:01- I hope the meeting planned for 1 is still on.
1:04- John calls, conferences me in on sales calls, goes over tools. Obviously the reason the HP is paying me.
1:42- End phone call with John, wait on Mark (my manager) to call me at 2.
1:50- Got scheduled into a training from 4-5. Yea! I've been here since 7 and was thinking about leaving at 3:30. Guess not.
2:15- Still waiting on Mark to call me. I'm sure he's just busy. Right?
2:16- Time to make my rounds on Deadspin, ESPN, Facebook, etc.
2:18- Mark called. 2 minute conversation letting me know that he won't know anything till Monday. Thanks.
2:21- Talked to Casey. Fortunately, he isn't working either. It's nice to sink with at least one other person in your boat.
2:52- Talked to Rachel- at least I'm not cold calling K12 schools in southern Texas. Ouch.
3:29- Watch Onion videos

Taking a bite out of crime

I think that it is imperative that everyone watch this.
That's assault brother