Don't Do Him Like That, White Mamba!

I don't have a lot of time today, but I would feel like a complete and utter jackass if I didn't provide this video for everyone to see. Whether you are a sports fan or not, you have a appreciate a somewhat sloppy looking, jolly green ginger with athletic ability akin to ours pulling this out. It is beautiful and I maintain that a Brian Scalabrine fan page would be good fun had by all.

Enjoy.

http://www.nba.com/video/games/bulls/2012/01/23/0021100244_njn_chi_play3.nba

Channel your inner road rage

I've seen a few things in the last several weeks that left me in a bit of a tizzy and thought this would be as good a forum as any to vent a little. In no particular order...

1.) Just because your great, great, great grandfather was a slave in South Carolina and your grandfather marched with Dr. King does not give you the right or privilege to walk down the middle of the road. Seriously, use the sidewalk or at least pick up the pace a little. At one point in your gene pool, folks were getting chased by lions. Why don't you call on that flashback instead of the one where you are sauntering to the unemployment office in very serious danger of putting a large, but repairable, dent in my 2003 Saturn.

B.) I have come to a realization that 94% of all drivers of Dodge Caravans and Chrysler Town & Countrys are over the age of 72. Now, either Caravans have a top speed of 42.3 mph or these geriatrics can't press the gas down far enough to exceed that speed. Either way, as their children, it is your duty and responsibility to protect them from the fiery crash that is sure to ensue when I Kyle Busch them into oncoming traffic.

III.) I hate 3D movies. I especially hate this latest craze of re-releasing previously successful movies in 3D. Are we really to the point where we can't be creative enough to come up with a new movie idea, so we have to waste time and resources on changing the perspective of a "timeless classic?" I've already seen the movie 100 times and own the DVD, but your witty marketing has convinced my wife that we need to spend $30 and watch it with glasses on. It doesn't look real and it gives me a headache.

4.) I just bought a pair of flannel lined jeans and I see no reason why every article of clothing can't be flannel lined. This jeans are the most comfortable and gloriously warm thing that I have ever put my skinny butt in. I love them. Possibly more than many of my extended family members.

E.) It is cold enough outside that I am fairly certain that if I were to get a wild hair and go outside sans clothing, my penis would invert to the point that I would be marking "F" on the Sex section of standardized tests. I'm really looking forward to when this supposed Global Warming thing actually happens and the Sun makes our little planet a little warmer. Screw the polar bears and penguins, I want Summer year round.

Bacon is good for me!

My friend, Matt, came across this video and sent it to me the other day. I'm not a fan of the show Wife Swap. In fact, I've never watched it before. I kind of assumed it was some kind of weird swinger porn that ABC had secretly pushed through, but apparently it's just people swapping wives for a couple days to piss each other off.

In this clip, you will see the quintessential redneck fat kid. Seriously, walk into any Single A school in the state of Arkansas and tell the kids that you plan on throwing any and all unhealthy food in their refrigerator away and I imagine the reaction will be pretty similar.

So, here's the video. Enjoy it. And please use a few of the classic one liners in everyday conversation today.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2T_obaO46Bo&feature=youtube_gdata_player

I will absolutely punt your dog

Just a warning to anybody with dogs, cats, or any other domesticated animals, if you dress that animal in clothing and I see it, I will square up and Sebastian Janikowski that thing through the imaginary uprights 50 yards out.

There is nothing more ridiculous and annoying than pets being dressed up as if they were actually humans. The thing about pets that people really like is that they are pets. They are animals. They are not people. If you don't want an animal, then reproduce and dress your baby like a crab or buy someone else crab looking baby.

I will say that there are some extenuating circumstances that might result in the necessity to dress your pet.

Actually, I wrote that and then tried to think of any legitimate reason and had an extreme stupor of thought. So there is no more a good reason for Fido or Catzilla to be dressed up than there is for Roseanne to be wearing a thong. Yeah, picture that and see how it feels to have to look at your stupid animal with elf ears and pointy hat on.

In conclusion, I will make very few if any exceptions to this rule and being that I don't care for pets in the first place (separate post coming soon) will have no qualms with stripping them of their garments and beating them with a yard stick covered in thumb tacks.

Battle Royale Zoo Edition: Hippo vs. Black Bear

It's time for another round of Animal on Animal carnage and I, for one, am excited about this match up. The hippopotamus, known to many as a friendly tub of lard in Africa, versus the black bear, the smallest and least ferocious of the otherwise deadly family. Below I will lay out the strengths and weaknesses of both, followed by my verdict on the winner.

Hippo:

1.) Freaking huge. Seriously, this thing would present enough food for that black bear for 8 fort nights.

2.) Surprisingly fast. Land speed in the upper 20 mph range for short distances.

3.) Giant spike teeth. The likes of which have only been seen on Mortal Combat.

4.) Crushing jaws. Think 2 ton crocodile.

5.) Foul disposition. Causes more deaths in Africa than freaking lions.

Black Bear:

1.) Agile. Have seen these guys balance on balls. How many hippos do you see doing that crap for Barnum and Bailey.

2.) Intelligent. They are natural hunters, not blobs that lay in ponds.

3.) Claws. Hope that hide is like unto steel, hippo, because bears are equipped.

4.) Subject to change. These guys range from Florida to Alaska and can live in just about any climate and condition. That can't hurt.

5.) Walk like a man. If you can do anything like a man, you're automatically getting a +1 because we are superior to everything.

The results may vary somewhat on terrain and who has home field advantage. Clearly, if you throw a bear in a pond with a hippo, he's going to be at a disadvantage and the same if you put a hippo on a mountain. I think if you play at a neutral location like Florida, you could gauge the fight a little better. I picture some marsh, but not completely flooded and fairly flat terrain with some trees. Now that you have the location set, it's on like Donkey Kong.

I think the hippo attacks first. Black bears are generally more timid unless bothered. The hippo will make a quick sprint, followed by being completely winded like Rosie O'Donell. I picture the bear avoiding the initial onslaught and coming back with a bear paw to the kisser. The issue I see at this point is that I think the hippo is pretty tough and awfully angry. From here I think it gets ugly. The hippo get its jaws around the bear and in spite of his best efforts to escape, he is torn to shreds and spread through the Everglades like little Winnie the Pooh confetti.

So there you have it. The hippo wins in a close, but very short fight to complete and total mutilation.

Old Year's Resolutions

Customer traffic on Saturdays in the RV industry can generally be likened to that of traffic at a Vietnamese whore house in 1972. However, when it's colder than a polar bear's testicles outside and Christmas season is at full speed, my job becomes considerably more boring. In conjunction with the boredom, I also become much less enthused about everything. In fact, every Winter season brings unimaginable thoughts and calculations of exactly how fast I will need to drive to kill myself on impact when I hit the bridge embankment. That is not a cry for help, just a fact.

All of that aside, at the request of several of you, my "fans," I have made a resolution to try and keep this blog slightly more current with my rambling ons of wisdom, opinion, and what nots.

Below is a recap of what I've been doing and thinking over the last several months (read: right now because I can't remember past that) since I last bombed with truths and tomfoolery.

1.) Winter and the cold weather and Christmas cheer that accompany it sucks giant water buffalo sized man tits equipped with multiple squiggly hairs that will inevitably get caught in your teeth and disgust you for hours, if not days, to come.

B.) The NBA lockout is finally over. David Stern has proven himself to have a small penis and a large desire to act like a huge douche. All in all , I am excited about the prospect of the sports world rotating like it should from here on out.

III.) My kids are keeping me up at night regularly which puts me in a generally pissy mood to go along with the witch tit cold weather and boring job.

4.) I just heard an old man say Sears and Roebuck. If he wasn't my boss's father in law, I might throw a water pressure regulator at him and inform him that it's not 1956.

E.) I loath the fact that Tyrann Mathieu from LSU was given the nickname Honey Badger. While he is a good player, he is in no way as terrifying as a freaking badger. Also, he is a coon ass and should be referred to as such.

VI.) Not to be a sell out, but I could always use a little extra cheese. So, anybody reading this should spread the word so I can increase my traffic, monetize this machine, buy an island in the Carribean, and wage war on French Guyana.

The End.

Guy on a Buffalo Fun!

You may or may not have seen the glory and hillarity that is Guy on a Buffalo. Either way, if you do not laugh at this, you are completely void of a soul.

P.S.- There are 3 episodes, each as good as the last. Amazingly funny!