Battle Royale Zoo Edition: Hippo vs. Black Bear

It's time for another round of Animal on Animal carnage and I, for one, am excited about this match up. The hippopotamus, known to many as a friendly tub of lard in Africa, versus the black bear, the smallest and least ferocious of the otherwise deadly family. Below I will lay out the strengths and weaknesses of both, followed by my verdict on the winner.

Hippo:

1.) Freaking huge. Seriously, this thing would present enough food for that black bear for 8 fort nights.

2.) Surprisingly fast. Land speed in the upper 20 mph range for short distances.

3.) Giant spike teeth. The likes of which have only been seen on Mortal Combat.

4.) Crushing jaws. Think 2 ton crocodile.

5.) Foul disposition. Causes more deaths in Africa than freaking lions.

Black Bear:

1.) Agile. Have seen these guys balance on balls. How many hippos do you see doing that crap for Barnum and Bailey.

2.) Intelligent. They are natural hunters, not blobs that lay in ponds.

3.) Claws. Hope that hide is like unto steel, hippo, because bears are equipped.

4.) Subject to change. These guys range from Florida to Alaska and can live in just about any climate and condition. That can't hurt.

5.) Walk like a man. If you can do anything like a man, you're automatically getting a +1 because we are superior to everything.

The results may vary somewhat on terrain and who has home field advantage. Clearly, if you throw a bear in a pond with a hippo, he's going to be at a disadvantage and the same if you put a hippo on a mountain. I think if you play at a neutral location like Florida, you could gauge the fight a little better. I picture some marsh, but not completely flooded and fairly flat terrain with some trees. Now that you have the location set, it's on like Donkey Kong.

I think the hippo attacks first. Black bears are generally more timid unless bothered. The hippo will make a quick sprint, followed by being completely winded like Rosie O'Donell. I picture the bear avoiding the initial onslaught and coming back with a bear paw to the kisser. The issue I see at this point is that I think the hippo is pretty tough and awfully angry. From here I think it gets ugly. The hippo get its jaws around the bear and in spite of his best efforts to escape, he is torn to shreds and spread through the Everglades like little Winnie the Pooh confetti.

So there you have it. The hippo wins in a close, but very short fight to complete and total mutilation.