Channel your inner road rage

I've seen a few things in the last several weeks that left me in a bit of a tizzy and thought this would be as good a forum as any to vent a little. In no particular order...

1.) Just because your great, great, great grandfather was a slave in South Carolina and your grandfather marched with Dr. King does not give you the right or privilege to walk down the middle of the road. Seriously, use the sidewalk or at least pick up the pace a little. At one point in your gene pool, folks were getting chased by lions. Why don't you call on that flashback instead of the one where you are sauntering to the unemployment office in very serious danger of putting a large, but repairable, dent in my 2003 Saturn.

B.) I have come to a realization that 94% of all drivers of Dodge Caravans and Chrysler Town & Countrys are over the age of 72. Now, either Caravans have a top speed of 42.3 mph or these geriatrics can't press the gas down far enough to exceed that speed. Either way, as their children, it is your duty and responsibility to protect them from the fiery crash that is sure to ensue when I Kyle Busch them into oncoming traffic.

III.) I hate 3D movies. I especially hate this latest craze of re-releasing previously successful movies in 3D. Are we really to the point where we can't be creative enough to come up with a new movie idea, so we have to waste time and resources on changing the perspective of a "timeless classic?" I've already seen the movie 100 times and own the DVD, but your witty marketing has convinced my wife that we need to spend $30 and watch it with glasses on. It doesn't look real and it gives me a headache.

4.) I just bought a pair of flannel lined jeans and I see no reason why every article of clothing can't be flannel lined. This jeans are the most comfortable and gloriously warm thing that I have ever put my skinny butt in. I love them. Possibly more than many of my extended family members.

E.) It is cold enough outside that I am fairly certain that if I were to get a wild hair and go outside sans clothing, my penis would invert to the point that I would be marking "F" on the Sex section of standardized tests. I'm really looking forward to when this supposed Global Warming thing actually happens and the Sun makes our little planet a little warmer. Screw the polar bears and penguins, I want Summer year round.