A note to Christmas musicians around the world

As the Christmas season approaches and because of the fact that Megan would listen to Christmas music while lounging by the pool in June if I would let her, I think it appropriate to include a very basic guide to making Christmas music.

It is apparently an unwritten rule that anybody who has ever been involved in the music industry in any fashion is required to produce some sort of Christmas album. This is the reason for such unprecedented disasters as Madonna's "Santa Baby", Paul McCartney's "Wonderful Christmastime", John Denver's "Please Daddy (Don't get drunk this Christmas)", BandAid's Christmas horrors, and the great (but very Jewish) Neil Diamond's Christmas Albums. Let me give a few pointers on some do's and dont's of Christmas music.

1. Don't make Christmas music if you don't celebrate Christmas. I am not opposed to Hannukah, Kwanza, or Festivus... but don't sing about Christmas if you don't have a tree and the Savior of the world in a manger.


2. Don't sing about Christmas if you are a whore, a wife beater, or any other form of hell bound creature. Neither Santa nor God appreciates your vocal tribute to the Christmas spirit that you have desecrated.


3. Don't try to one-up the classics. If you are not Bing Crosby, Elvis Presley, Frank Sinatra, or the likes thereof, do not think that you can be. You probably don't have the talent to sing those songs, so spare us.


4. Don't include heart felt stories unless they are true. I don't like to cry about fake little girls not getting stuff from Santa.


5. Do be creative. I encourage creativity, play on words, and anything else that "spices" things up.


6. Do include puppets. John Denver and the Muppets is a classic album. If John Denver can make a classic album, anybody can- but children's puppets are essential.


7. Do include at least one song about Christ. If you can't do that, then you don't need to be making Christmas music.